The Crap Bike Christmas Carol

Back in 2017 I published this post, reflecting on the disintegration of life and bicycles. 3 years on and it seems entirely appropriate to shamelessly resurrect it. So here it is: – The Crap Bike Christmas Carol.

Something mechanical now going wrong on pretty much every ride and on every bike. Some things are small, some are more fundamental. I think the bikes are all trying to tell me that a bit of tender, loving care is in order before the New Year. So, as I work my way through the patience of some friendly mechanics and my bank balance, let me bring to you the following (literal) mechanical breakdown shamelessly set to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas. *Please allow liberties with wording, meter and bike parts.

The Fiendish Perversity of Limit Screws

I have always known that I am not a person possessed of great ability or patience when it comes to completing practical tasks.

This is increasingly evident the more I try to master the art of bicycle maintenance and borne out in a surprisingly creative catalogue of errors and misdeeds.

Handlebar Dyslexia

The head mechanic is rendered speechless as I present him with the previously boxed bicycle I’ve just assembled.

After staring in stunned silence for a disconcerting length of time, he finally, excruciatingly tears his gaze away from the machine in front of him to deliver his verdict.

“I’m impressed” he chokes, voice trembling with either laughter or hysteria, “I had no idea it was possible to get it THAT wrong!!”

Standing on the bottom rung

No matter how old I get, and how much professional experience I gain, why is it that the first day starting a new job and I always feel like I’m 13 years old again?