Back in 2017 I published this post, reflecting on the disintegration of life and bicycles. 3 years on and it seems entirely appropriate to shamelessly resurrect it. So here it is: – The Crap Bike Christmas Carol.
Something mechanical now going wrong on pretty much every ride and on every bike. Some things are small, some are more fundamental. I think the bikes are all trying to tell me that a bit of tender, loving care is in order before the New Year. So, as I work my way through the patience of some friendly mechanics and my bank balance, let me bring to you the following (literal) mechanical breakdown shamelessly set to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas. *Please allow liberties with wording, meter and bike parts. Continue reading →
I’m not the only one reflecting on the year at the moment, it seems my bicycles also appear to be taking stock of the last 12 months. This is taking the form of something mechanical now going wrong on pretty much every ride and on every bike. Some things are small, some are more fundamental. I think the bikes are all trying to tell me that a bit of tender, loving care is in order before the New Year. So, as I work my way through the patience of some friendly mechanics and my bank balance, let me bring to you the following (literal) mechanical breakdown shamelessly set to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas. *Please allow liberties with wording, meter and bike parts.
The Crap Bike Christmas Carol
On the first day of Christmas my bicycle broke on me, from a chain that was very dirty.
On the second day of Christmas my bicycle broke on me from, 2 buckled wheels and a chain that was very dirty.
On the third day of Christmas my bicycle broke on me from, 3 snapped spokes, 2 buckled wheels and a chain that was very dirty.
On the fourth day of Christmas my bicycle broke on me from, 4 groaning gussets, 3 snapped spokes, 2 buckled wheels and a chain that was very dirty.
On the fifth day of Christmas my bicycle broke on me from 5 worn chain-rings, 4 groaning gussets, 3 snapped spokes, 2 buckled wheels and a chain that was very dirty.
On the sixth day of Christmas my bicycle broke on me from, 6 nipples seizing, 5 old chain-rings, 4 groaning gussets, 3 snapped spokes, 2 buckled wheels and a chain that was very dirty.
On the seventh day of Christmas my bicycle broke on me from, 7 cotters cracking, 6 nipples seizing, 5 old chain-rings, 4 groaning gussets, 3 snapped spokes, 2 buckled wheels and a chain that was very dirty.
On the eighth day of Christmas my bicycle broke on me from, 8 bearings binding, 7 cotters cracking, 6 nipples seizing, 5 old chain-rings, 4 groaning gussets, 3 snapped spokes, 2 buckled wheels and a chain that was very dirty.
On the ninth day of Christmas my bicycle broke on me from, 9 wingnuts warping, 8 bearings binding, 7 cotters cracking, 6 nipples seizing, 5 old chain-rings, 4 groaning gussets, 3 snapped spokes, 2 buckled wheels and a chain that was very dirty.
On the tenth day of Christmas my bicycle broke on me from, 10 gears a grinding, 9 wingnuts warping, 8 bearings binding, 7 cotters cracking, 6 nipples seizing, 5 old chain-rings, 4 groaning gussets, 3 snapped spokes, 2 buckled wheels and a chain that was very dirty.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my bicycle broke on me from, 11 lock-rings locking, 10 gears a grinding, 9 wingnuts warping, 8 bearings binding, 7 cotters cracking, 6 nipples seizing, 5 old chain-rings, 4 groaning gussets, 3 snapped spokes, 2 buckled wheels and a chain that was very dirty.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my bicycle broke on me. So I scrapped it and just bought a new one!
My body is currently a mass of bruises and gashes, scratches and scrapes. So much so that, on a routine visit to my GP, she delicately enquired whether “everything wasall right at home?”
In between stifled laughter, I cheerfully explained to her that the harm was entirely, and happily self-inflicted. And it is. But how life has changed in just one year and how I’m grateful for that pain. Continue reading →
I have always known that I am not a person possessed of great ability or patience when it comes to completing practical tasks.
This is increasingly evident the more I try to master the art of bicycle maintenance and borne out in a surprisingly creative catalogue of errors and misdeeds. Continue reading →
Cycling in a skirt 